Last Thursday, I have my review at work. It was better than I thought it would be...much better. I planned on asking for a raise if I did not receive the raise that would bring me up to a specific amount but I did not have to do anything but sit and listen to my supervisor. I had been thinking about how I was going to go about presenting me case for a raise but my Spirit Team and God helped me out! There you have it, Thank you!
Beloved came over that night and I thought I was ready until he asked for some snacks and I didn't have any. I wanted to do an exercise with him but he was sore from working out. I also wanted to celebrate my raise with him in more ways than one, but he wanted to meditate instead.............shit got me wondering!
No real kiss...didn't feel like a real hug. I get the feeling that he is distancing himself from me because he wants to have sex with someone else.
Now, fast forward to today..........I told him that I had something to share and wanted to celebrate and he only inquired about this once.........does this mean he does not care?
Then, this weekend, we don't really communicate that much....telling me the "boys" want to hang out on Saturday night.........all the while I am having visions of him fucking someone else.
No, he is not mine, not my man, no label placed on him, but that does not mean that I don't feel and see...that does not mean that I don't feel a connection to him.
Sometimes I really just don't want to do this shit anymore......shit is too complex....has me feeling like a fucking fool....waiting for this dude to run up and through women because he got a message that he is to be free...........he is for everyone...what kind of shit is this? Who is giving him these messages?
I asked my guides and team if I am part of his 'plan' and they said yes....
I asked my guides and my team if what he has said to me, all of the words of love and shit are true.......they said yes.
I asked my guides, team and his team if I should leave him alone and they said yes..............lol.
So today..........feeling fucked up because of the visions I have been getting of him fucking someone else this weekend, thinking about all of the hurtful things I have experienced regarding our connection, thinking of the fucked up ways I don't really get answers to my questions, thinking of what is really going on with him and why I keep allowing him to come in and out of my life.......I need to leave him alone.
I know that this journey is challenging........however, I don't want to have to deal with my challenges as well as someone else's challenges who's behave or lack there of makes me feel like I am only important when they need something from me, or want to share something, or want comfort, of the sweetest fuck!
FUCK THIS!
As much as this hurts me..............I really have to walk away.
I can't convince him or show him what my value is.........I have to show myself and value myself first!
I love you...I really do!!!
Happy Fucking New Moon In Aries!
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