Here I Go Again (Read my other blog if you don't understand https://lifeandtimesofjuicahjones.blogspot.com/)!

I allowed myself to be overcome with my lowest, most primal emotions.......

With regards to my "twin flame"...........

I allowed myself to become more than anger and upset, I was filled with hatred and wished him death! I reread two posts he put up on Instagram about gifts I gave him for his birthday. He did not even acknowledge me or mention my name in the posts.  He simply said that "spirit" will give you what you ask for and "someone very dear to his heart" gave him the gifts.  WOW! He has never acknowledged me publicly....never. Even in my other blog, "The Life and Times of Juicah Jones" (https://lifeandtimesofjuicahjones.blogspot.com/), he never acknowledged me either. I was always his dirty little secret....the secret that he always came to when he needed love, compassion, the greatest fuck of a lifetime or anything else that he was searching for but could only find with me. Why should now be any different?  Like I always say, "Niggas don't change!" and that is the fucking truth! Not even the one you think is your "Divine Masculine". 

I became infuriated with this and I sent him a message, text message and voice message telling him that I needed the money back he owes me NOW because I have an emergency. This mother fucker writes me back over 4 hours later, not even asking me if I am ok or what is wrong.  He tells me that he is sorry that things have escalated and he has not been able to pay me the money because he used everything he had to go to his Peru trip and he does not get paid until the 21st. WHAT?

Now, when he needed the money, I did everything in my fucking power to get it to him to help him and he was experiencing an emergency as well. The money I lent him was used to pay off the parking violations his wife accrued on his car and if they were not paid off, he would not be able to work driving Lyft or Uber.  His license would probably have been revoked and he would have had to pay more money just to get it back in good standing. So now that I am in a crunch, he can't even pay me back the money he owes me, or borrow from someone else to even help me out a little.  What a selfish irresponsible fuck? I can't believe this. You mean to tell me that this fucking bastard only thinks about himself to the point that he borrows money from me and does not pay me back because he uses the money he should have paid me back with to go to Peru?  Why am I so surprised when he did the same thing in May when he went downsouth to fuck someone from his passed instead of paying me back the money he owed me. SMMFH!  I bet he didn't even think twice about me needing the money and he went right back to doing what ever the fuck he is doing in Peru as if I never even text him!

Why?  Because I ACTUALLY THOUGHT THE WORDS THAT HE SAID TO ME ABOUT HOW MUCH HE CHERISHES ME, HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME AND CARES FOR ME AND IS IN LOVE WITH ME were true.  But that just goes to show you, PAY ATTENTION TO HOW PEOPLE TREAT YOU, NOT THE HOT AIR THAT COMES OUT OF THEIR MOUTH!

I am fucking hot..............I can't even find words to really express how hurt I feel................mother fucker selfish bastard! Yes, I am a spiritual being, lol but I am fucking pissed.  I want him to...............grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.......This hurts me to my fucking core......so bad I cried all the way home!

Here I go again!

This is the last time. I have had to try my hardest not to continuously wish him pain and death!

I really don't think I am going to ever speak with him again after this.  He really showed me that he give 0 fucks about me..............AT ALL.........ON ANY LEVEL!

The real question is..........Do I give any fucks about me? If I do, I will eliminate him from the equation of my life!  Let's see where this goes!

Compromising Your Integrity

I am really starting to see things for what they really are and I am tired of protecting you and trying to save you from........the inevitable!

So, it has been some time since I last wrote to you bff...that is because I was trying to get my shit together so I would not hurt my so called Twin Flame in any way by sharing his fucked up treatment of me. I am really tired of this shit........the shit of not sharing. WHY? Because my pain, challenges and experiences can really and truly help someone else in the most profound way. After all, one of my mottos is "If I did it, I will admit it!" Too bad other people don't live by the same motto! Instead they live trying to act like they live their lives for the greater good of all, but in reality they are living a very selfish life in which they use the ones closest to them.  Yes, !@%$#^@#% 9 (I want to call your name out so bad so everyone can know who you are) I am talking about you and how you have mistaken my kindness for weakness...."Lord, he does not know what he has done!"

Anyway, if we are here to share, learn and experience things, it is time for me to stop saving his face.......

Again.....I allowed some fucked up shit to happen to me.......I allowed him to come back in and do some even more fucked up shit to me.........taking my kindness for granted.......using me.....taking my money to go fuck someone who gave him a spiritual demon!!! SMMFH! I really wonder why I even let him back in.........but the fact of the matter is........that is the past and once again I am in a situation where my feeling are hurt and he is out living his life............acting like I don't matter.  Now, he tells me some bullshit.........bullshit like, "I wouldn't know where I would be without you" and shit like that...........who the fuck wants to hear anything like that if your actions don't match it. So fucking tire of going through this shit with him! And to make matters worse, it is not even him, it is me. If I did not compromise my integrity........I wouldn't be where I am now.....but then again! All things for our growth and betterment. So, Beloved (I am only using this word because I don't want to say your real name), I forgive you, because I know you don't know what you are doing and it is not my place to hold on to all of this pain that I feel because of your mistreatment of me. I have faith and know that God got me! So I give it all to Mother/Father Goddess/God........yes, I forgive you and you have taught me too! Taught me to NEVER COMPROMISE MY INTEGRITY again!

"No matter how our paths may unfold" (some bullshit he wrote me in a text he sent me yesterday). I hope you read this! Let's see if you have the fucking courage to say something to me about this or anything else! Knowing you, you probably will say some shit to me, but then again, what can you say, I have been nothing but kind, gracious, compassionate and loving towards you IN ALL OF YOUR TIMES OF NEED (which ironically are all of the times you have come to me with sugar coated words and proclamations of "being in love with me and loving me", proclamations that "We are going to be together")....can you say the same?  Have I ever come to you and used you to get what I needed, to get money from you to go fuck some dude from my past or pay off my ex-husband's debt he accrued under my name or any other underhanded why you got over on me? What a spiritual path you are walking, lol!!!

I still forgive you, cause you sure ain't worth none of my energy any more! So much for Twin Flame connections, or any connection with you for that matter....lol!

Love you!

Lord, please forgive him, for he knows not what he had done!