They Said "YES"!

Today I am not feeling well......I feel a culmination of different emotions....stemming from past pains and.................last week.

Last Thursday, I have my review at work. It was better than I thought it would be...much better. I planned on asking for a raise if I did not receive the raise that would bring me up to a specific amount but I did not have to do anything but sit and listen to my supervisor. I had been thinking about how I was going to go about presenting me case for a raise but my Spirit Team and God helped me out! There you have it, Thank you!

Beloved came over that night and I thought I was ready until he asked for some snacks and I didn't have any.  I wanted to do an exercise with him but he was sore from working out.  I also wanted to celebrate my raise with him in more ways than one, but he wanted to meditate instead.............shit got me wondering!

No real kiss...didn't feel like a real hug. I get the feeling that he is distancing himself from me because he wants to have sex with someone else. 

Now, fast forward to today..........I told him that I had something to share and wanted to celebrate and he only inquired about this once.........does this mean he does not care?

Then, this weekend, we don't really communicate that much....telling me the "boys" want to hang out on Saturday night.........all the while I am having visions of him fucking someone else.

No, he is not mine, not my man, no label placed on him, but that does not mean that I don't feel and see...that does not mean that I don't feel a connection to him.

Sometimes I really just don't want to do this shit anymore......shit is too complex....has me feeling like a fucking fool....waiting for this dude to run up and through women because he got a message that he is to be free...........he is for everyone...what kind of shit is this? Who is giving him these messages?

I asked my guides and team if I am part of his 'plan' and they said yes....
I asked my guides and my team if what he has said to me, all of the words of love and shit are true.......they said yes.
I asked my guides, team and his team if I should leave him alone and they said yes..............lol.

So today..........feeling fucked up because of the visions I have been getting of him fucking someone else this weekend, thinking about all of the hurtful things I have experienced regarding our connection, thinking of the fucked up ways I don't really get answers to my questions, thinking of what is really going on with him and why I keep allowing him to come in and out of my life.......I need to leave him alone.
I know that this journey is challenging........however, I don't want to have to deal with my challenges as well as someone else's challenges who's behave or lack there of makes me feel like I am only important when they need something from me, or want to share something, or want comfort, of the sweetest fuck! 

FUCK THIS!

As much as this hurts me..............I really have to walk away.

I can't convince him or show him what my value is.........I have to show myself and value myself first!

I love you...I really do!!!

Happy Fucking New Moon In Aries!

The Magic Of Believing

So after yesterday's 'typical woman' rant, I have come to the conclusion that I must surrender and stop focusing on my beloved.

They say that the twinning energy is one of 'mirroring', so if my focus is on him, his focus is on him, lol.  Makes sense but when you are all up in the mix, feeding off of the energy you feel when you are with your Beloved, you lose track of space and time.  Nothing really makes....it is just you and them and you forget about all of your tools, your lessons, yourself, lol. 

Last year, when I decided to just let all of this twin flame shit go, I had a feeling that as soon as I did, he would come back.  That is exactly what happened....Why? Because I decided to focus on ME! So, naturally, energetically, emotionally, spiritually, etc., he felt the same and moved accordingly.  This is not to say that the Universe did not also step in to move him in a drastic way.  I guess both the Universe and I were just tired of waiting, lol.  I guess that is how things go sometimes.

Today, I am in a different type of mood.  Today, I realized that even though I get messages about our union and how it is going to be better than either of us could possibly imagine..........I realize that my job is to have faith in those messages and continue on my path no matter what he is doing!

What he does is not my business.  But let me explain.....If I continue to worry about, think about, torture myself about what I think he is doing, I miss out on the things I should be doing and my growth.  I miss out on strengthening my connection with my team, myself and the Universe....I basically miss out on the gift of life and my mission.  No one is worth missing out on that stuff............NO ONE!

So, I have decided, that no matter how challenging this phase may become, no matter what is triggered for healing, no matter what comes up to the surface that I have to face.............I know that there is magic in me believing that one day, very very very soon, all will come to fruition and it will be better than you could ever imagine!

I believe in the messages I received about my beloved and I.
I believe in the vision I saw of my beloved and I at the gates of Heaven, holding hands, as the gates open in front of us to a party in celebration of our Divine Alchemical Union
I believe my beloved when he told me we will be together
I believe my beloved when he told me that he is in love with me
I believe the Divine is working towards our protection, union and fulfilment of our mission to humanity
I believe we will make it

I know all of the things I believe are real and true!!! 
I feel them in my heart and soul!

My beliefs create my reality! I am a master manifestress!

IT IS TIME FOR ME TO REALLY START MANIFESTING!

Bewildered

I have been meaning to write for quite some time....actually since I last wrote.

My birthday was on March 10th and my beloved gave me some wonderful gifts and took me to a spa.  I always thoughts that spas were nasty and told myself and others that I would never go to one.  Well, surprise...there I was.  I had a feeling that he was taking me to a spa but I was not sure.

We go there pretty late but it did not matter because it is 24 hours.  Quite frankly, it was a pretty nice spot.  We were one of few black "couples" there but that really did not matter much.

I always thought that spas were just absolutely disgusting, but I am so happy that I was open to this experience because it completely changed the way I think and look at things I never experienced before.

Before we got to the spa, he and I had a heart to heart conversation.....while we were talking, I got the message that I really need to let go of the thing I am holding onto regarding him having spiritually sexual experience with other women.  It was very interesting because he shared with me that he got some messages before he came over and one of them was to give me time to work this all out, be patient with me and show me that what we share is true and real.  It was a surreal moment for both of us as our messages connected with each other in such a way to complete a picture.  He...being patient with me while I heal.......we come back together in Divine Unity and Harmony.

Well..........today, it does not feel like this message was even received.

Since my birthday and I last wrote, he has experiences some powerfully moving growth and so have I...the only difference is our focus.  He focuses on him and I focus on US. 

We decided to be open, honest, compassionate and loving when we communicate with each other but the things that he wants are hurtful to me and I do not want them.  I expressed this to him often and this is exactly what the messages we have been receiving are about.....he wants to fuck other women in the name of gaining some spiritual experience from it...........I feel like if he loves me and is in love with me like he says he is, he tells me we are going to be together........how is it that he does not see that there could possibly be something twisted and dark in what he wants?  Is it just me or do you see it too?

How can you be on this "spiritual" journey and say that you know you have a special connection with someone, you love and are in love with someone, you know you are going to be with someone, but in the same breath say that you wanna fuck other women?  Am I being the "typical woman" when I look at this situation right here?  Please help me out with this one because I am dying up here!

Listen, I am open to hearing and even integrating new positive ideas, energies,  etc....but I am not sure that this idea he has is one of the ones for me. 

Ok, let us get this straight....I go back and forth in my heart, mind, body and soul about this.  Will I be able to handle the fact that he is fucking someone else he has a spiritual connection to? I really sit with myself and think about it...........I want to be able to be ok with it, but I am not and I am not on any level.

I have gotten the message from my Guides to just let him be so he can have all of the experiences he wants to have and let him learn his lessons and figure out what he needs from them.  I was told to just leave him alone and take back my energy so that he can experience life without the comfort of knowing that I am always in the background.....holding space for his return.  Leave him alone, on all levels of our beings, so that he can realize that what he is searching for is in him and because we are soul compliments, it is in me as well. 

I am tire of this shit..........

I asked him if the messages he received are from Divine beings...........no answer.  I really think and feel like we are at war ladies.......we are at war and the dark forces are coming after our men because they do not want us to succeed in our mission to ourselves and humanity.

Listen here.........I really don't care what any of you say or think about this.......because I know that this is the truth (well at least for my twin flame situation)!

My beloved is being surrounded by dark energy that is tempting him, teasing him, enticing him, putting fucked up messages and ideas in his head that are pleasure based to make him stray from his mission. Yes, I said it............They are distracting him, putting fucked up thoughts in his head...the dark forces get to our beloveds through sex, power and money...all of the things that a man wants.....but does not really NEED!  They got to mine....putting this thought in his head, making him question what his heart is telling him....

They know that our beloveds are easily led astray, easily distracted and turned around.  It makes me so sad...sad because they don't even realize what is happening....

I can tell you this........rest assured.......the dark forces will not win....we need both dark and light in order to be complete. 

If we continue to be open, observant, compassionate and honest with ourselves about what we, see, feel and know is happening to our beloved masculines, we empower ourselves to do something about it!

We must remember that how they play out the twisted messages they are receiving is just an illusion... we must remember that it is not real. 

Allow them the space and time they need to sort it out for themselves, know that the Universe will not allow them to succumb to their demise.  Course correction will happen and if our beloveds do not snap out of this shit and work towards the mission, the Universe will bring you someone who will!

I am so fucking pissed and bewildered!!!!

What is his thought pattern? This shit makes no sense to me........I am really trying have overstand this shit right here. 

Does he even know that sex is one of the most powerful and sacred gifts we were given.  If we are connected, like we both believe we are, why would he risk absorbing someone elses shit from fucking them and then bring it back to me? How would this help?

You know what? I am just going to leave him alone..............I can't take this shit, I am tired of this shit, I am tired of feeling like this connection (or I) am not worthy to be honor and explored, I am tired of feeling like I give more to him than he gives to our connection.....

I'm done..................welllllllllllllll..........I will be done after I fuck him a few more times!!!!!!!!!!!!!